I'll be real honest here . . . the second year is not any easier than the first year in grieving the loss of sweet Lexi. In fact, in many ways, it is probably harder. But, then again, maybe I have just forgotten how hard it really was those first many months. I am still amazed at how we got through it all- being in the hospital that day, seeing her in the hospital bed hooked up to all the machines, her actual passing, the suddenness of it all, all the decisions we had to make so quickly, planning her memorial service and then actually attending. I really had no idea how I was going to get through that day. For those who say that "time heals all wounds"- so far that has not been the case. I try not to be negative, but instead to focus on the positive, but I also want to be realistic and honest, especially for any people out there who look at others and think that they have it all together. In reality, there are a lot of hurting people who may look like they have it all together but are almost at their breaking point.
It has been four months since I have posted to this blog. And it hasn't been because I have forgotten about it or not wanted to update it. I just haven't really known what to say. Inside, I am just a jumbled mess of emotions. I'm trying to process so much of this grief and do a lot of actual things that "professionals" recommend doing in the grieving process. But, I am still a mess!
My dad passed away just 5 months before Lexi did. I loved my dad dearly and had a great relationship with him. But, I have not had as hard of a time processing that grief as I have with Lexi. I am sure it has to do with the fact that my dad died in his seventies. He lived a full life. Lexi died at 6 years old. No parent expects to bury their own child, let along a child at 6 years old. I am sure it also has to do with the fact that I had been gone from my dad's house and not under his direct, daily guidance for almost 20 years. On the other hand, I spent every day with Lexi and cared for her needs in an intense way. She is greatly missed from our every day life.
A few weeks ago, the three of us were driving to Chelsea's school in the morning and a song that we played at Lexi's memorial service came on the radio. I turned up the radio and really enjoyed hearing that song; it made me smile. Later that same day, the exact same song came on the radio but this time it made me sad and tears welled up. Chelsea mentioned that we had just heard that song earlier in the day and I didn't cry then so why the difference. I told her that in the morning, we usually never had Lexi with us in the car (as she was already at school) but that in the afternoon, we would always have her in the car with us, in the backseat, sitting in her car seat, content to go with us where ever we would take her. And so, at that moment, a time when she normally would have been with us, it was overwhelming not to have her there when that is what we knew. It is these little things that take great work in processing the emotions that continue to come up.
The last four months have been especially difficult because I am having a harder time "feeling her presence" each day. During the first year, I felt her presence daily, but now it is harder and more of a searching for that same presence. I think of her every day but it is not the same as feeling her presence. It is difficult to explain.
Here's to keeping it real!
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