Keeping it real . . . it's still just as difficult!

I'll be real honest here . . . the second year is not any easier than the first year in grieving the loss of sweet Lexi. In fact, in many ways, it is probably harder. But, then again, maybe I have just forgotten how hard it really was those first many months. I am still amazed at how we got through it all- being in the hospital that day, seeing her in the hospital bed hooked up to all the machines, her actual passing, the suddenness of it all, all the decisions we had to make so quickly, planning her memorial service and then actually attending. I really had no idea how I was going to get through that day. For those who say that "time heals all wounds"- so far that has not been the case. I try not to be negative, but instead to focus on the positive, but I also want to be realistic and honest, especially for any people out there who look at others and think that they have it all together. In reality, there are a lot of hurting people who may look like they have it all together but are almost at their breaking point.

It has been four months since I have posted to this blog. And it hasn't been because I have forgotten about it or not wanted to update it. I just haven't really known what to say. Inside, I am just a jumbled mess of emotions. I'm trying to process so much of this grief and do a lot of actual things that "professionals" recommend doing in the grieving process. But, I am still a mess!

My dad passed away just 5 months before Lexi did. I loved my dad dearly and had a great relationship with him. But, I have not had as hard of a time processing that grief as I have with Lexi. I am sure it has to do with the fact that my dad died in his seventies. He lived a full life. Lexi died at 6 years old. No parent expects to bury their own child, let along a child at 6 years old. I am sure it also has to do with the fact that I had been gone from my dad's house and not under his direct, daily guidance for almost 20 years. On the other hand, I spent every day with Lexi and cared for her needs in an intense way. She is greatly missed from our every day life.

A few weeks ago, the three of us were driving to Chelsea's school in the morning and a song that we played at Lexi's memorial service came on the radio. I turned up the radio and really enjoyed hearing that song; it made me smile. Later that same day, the exact same song came on the radio but this time it made me sad and tears welled up. Chelsea mentioned that we had just heard that song earlier in the day and I didn't cry then so why the difference. I told her that in the morning, we usually never had Lexi with us in the car (as she was already at school) but that in the afternoon, we would always have her in the car with us, in the backseat, sitting in her car seat, content to go with us where ever we would take her. And so, at that moment, a time when she normally would have been with us, it was overwhelming not to have her there when that is what we knew. It is these little things that take great work in processing the emotions that continue to come up.

The last four months have been especially difficult because I am having a harder time "feeling her presence" each day. During the first year, I felt her presence daily, but now it is harder and more of a searching for that same presence. I think of her every day but it is not the same as feeling her presence. It is difficult to explain.

Here's to keeping it real!

One year anniversary!

This has been a year of many firsts for us and the one year anniversary is like an end to all of those "firsts." We will no longer experience our first start of a new school year, first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Years, first birthday, first mother's day, or first father's day without Lexi. Although we will still experience all those events without her, today marks the end of experiencing those without her for the first time. And it means that we got through each of those. And it is a testament that no matter how difficult each one was, we will get through all of the subsequent ones to come.

We purposely planned some meaningful things to do today to help us get through this day and deal with all of the emotions that we might possibly feel today.

Chelsea and I decided about 11 months ago that we would grow our hair out so that we could donate it in memory of Lexi. So, we started off today by each of us having our hair chopped off. We are both very excited about our short, new hair styles.

After the haircuts, we had some girl time (me, Chelsea, my sister Alison, and my mom) while we all got manicures and pedicures.

My sister gave me a beautiful gift today- a necklace with both of my girls' pictures on them. It was such a special gift and I loved wearing it today. My mom has been working on a quilt made out of all of Lexi's clothes. She finished it last night and gave it to me today and we were able to display it tonight at the event.

We asked friends and family to join us for a special evening of remembrance and celebration of her life, and to stand together with us today. So, we had a fundraiser for the "Lexi's Legacy Memorial Fund" which involved a bingo night, a silent auction and raffle. It was a great way for us to celebrate our little lady and to also raise money for the memorial fund which will help other special needs family.

I know that even though we have reached the one year mark, there is still much grieving, and processing of our grief to do. I've heard that some say the second year is just as tough as the first. Only time will tell for us as we continue to grieve, while still living with joy and continuing to share Lexi's life with others for God's glory. Excited to see how God will continue to work and allow us to share Lexi's legacy.

A Blooming Reminder

In less than a week, on July 1st, the one-year anniversary of Lexi's passing will be upon us. The year has been difficult, as we experienced many "firsts" without her: school starting, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's, her birthday, Chelsea's birthday, Mother's day, Father's day, etc.

Her memorial service was July 9th last year. And that day we came home from the service and found a beautiful sight in our yard, something that I found to be amazing. Out of no where, a PINK gladiolus flower bloomed tall and strong in our planter. In the twelve years that we have lived in our house, we have NEVER had any gladiolus flowers on our property. Amidst our sadness at coming home without Lexi, that day we were greeted by a wonderful pink reminder of our little girl. The flower bloomed for a long time, without any tending by me. It eventually died and disappeared and I didn't think of it again.

The other day, we came home and there stood the pink gladiolus flower blooming again in the exact same spot. It was if to remind us, especially in the nearing of the one-year anniversary, that our little girl is alive and blooming . . . in heaven! I love seeing that pink gladiolus each day and am amazed at its height- standing taller than any of the other flowers in our planter.

Here is a picture I took a few days ago. Today, it stands even taller.

The 1st

Here we are at another "1st." The first of each month always causes us to pause as we realize that another month has passed without Lexi in our lives. June 1st marks the 11th month since her passing.

Today, at work, I read a persuasive essay that one of my high school students submitted in which he was trying to persuade the reader that abortion should continue to be legal. One of his points was that "having a child with special needs requires a lot of time, money, commitment and support" and that "most special needs children require additional health care, services, and help from others" and therefore, if it is known during pregnancy that the child will have "special needs" then "abortion provides an alternative." I sat there, as I read his essay, thinking about Lexi and her precious life. I could only respond by telling him about Lexi- that although she never learned to walk, talk, sit up on her own, etc. she was an amazing little girl who taught us so much. I can not imagine my life without her in it. I told him that yes, her "special needs" brought about much work and required "a lot of time, money, commitment and support" but it was all worth it because she was a life and she had great purpose.

I love thinking about the legacy that Lexi leaves and all the ways that God used, and will continue to use, her life. Today, her life stands as a testament for God's love of all- even those (especially those) who have "special needs" and as a reminder that life is precious and full of purpose- even a life that the world may not see as "normal" and thus could be easily aborted.

As we think about, and prepare for the next "1st of the month," we know that the one-year anniversary of Lexi's passing will most likely be the hardest "1st." We will surround ourselves with friends and family that day and continue sharing Lexi's legacy through the "Lexi's Legacy Memorial Fund."

Lexi's Legacy Memorial Fund

We are excited to announce that the "Lexi's Legacy Memorial Fund" is now official.

At the time of Lexi's passing, in lieu of flowers, our friends and family donated money to a fund that we created in Lexi's memory. At the time, our bank was unable to open a memorial fund because they are a small bank and do not handle those types of accounts. Since then, we have been working with another bank that has allowed us to open the memorial fund and all paperwork has finally been completed. All donations received will be used to financially help other special needs families. We know, all to well, the cost of equipment, medicine, and supplies that can be expensive in caring for a special needs child. The fund will help offset these costs to families and in addition provide a sense of support to the family. Giving to others has been a great way for us to remember and honor Lexi, and has helped us in our own grieving process.

Should you want to donate to this fund, and help other special needs families, checks can be made out to: "Lexi's Legacy Memorial Fund" Thank you for helping us continue to share Lexi's legacy with others.

Special Days . . . Special Memories

Today is Lexi's big sister's birthday. And although this is not Lexi's day, but instead Chelsea's special day, Lexi is greatly missed on this day.

A few days ago, we celebrated Chelsea's birthday by having 11 of her friends over to our house for a party. We love having parties and so I woke up excited to have this party for Chelsea. But, there was definitely something (someone) missing. I was very aware of the absence and honestly, it saddened me to know that Chelsea would no longer celebrate her birthdays with her sister.

Lexi was always an important part of Chelsea's birthday parties and it makes me smile proudly when I remember how Chelsea included Lexi in all her birthday activities and how proud Chelsea was to have all of her friends meet her sister Lexi. I love remembering how Chelsea would help Lexi unwrap her birthday or Christmas gifts and how Chelsea would hold them up for Lexi to see and then place them in her lap until Lexi was surrounded by all her gifts.

I know there will be many more "special days" that will be different because Lexi is not here. But, I am thankful for the pictures we have that will remind Chelsea of her special bond with her sister. These are some of my favorite pictures of them on birthdays and at Christmas as Chelsea lovingly includes Lexi in it all.

The girls celebrate their birthdays together in 2010. I love the look here that Chelsea gives to Lexi as Chelsea glances over her shoulder to make sure that Lexi sees the candles and is aware that everyone is singing happy birthday to BOTH of them.

Although not the best picture, this is one of my favorite pictures because Chelsea was so PROUD to show off Lexi to all of her friends at Chelsea's 7th tea party birthday. Chelsea was so happy to take this picture with her sister.

Christmas 2009: Chelsea empties Lexi's stocking, making sure to show everything to Lexi.

Lexi surrounded by the gifts that Chelsea has piled in her lap.

I love the expression that Lexi has here. She seems rather bored and unimpressed with the things that Chelsea is pulling out of her stocking.

Chelsea helping Lexi unwrap a Christmas present.

100 days (+) in a season of grief

I know it has been a lot longer than 100 days since Lexi passed, but today is the 100th day since I signed up for the "A Season of Grief" daily emails. It is neat to see that number, 100, knowing that I have made it through 100 (and more) days of grief. Thank you Jesus!

I've learned so much through the grieving process and love to continue to see where God will lead me on this journey. I am so thankful for His plan and purpose; although my view is limited, He sees the full view and has everything under control.

Birthday Balloon Release

Family and friends gathered for a balloon release to help us celebrate Lexi's life. We prayed and then we all released our balloons and watched them drift into the sky. It was the perfect way for us to celebrate what would have been her 7th birthday.

Happy 7th Birthday, Lexi

Lexi would have been 7 years old today. I can't help but think of the number 7 and it's importance in the Bible. It is the number of spiritual perfection. In Hebrew, seven means "to be full or satisfied, have enough of." God rested on the 7th day, as his creation was full and complete, good and perfect. God "ceased, desisted and rested" on the Sabbath day. How neat to think that Lexi gets to celebrate her 7th birthday in Heaven, where all is complete, good and perfect and that in this she can rest, having had enough of this earthly world. She celebrated her 7th Christmas, Jesus' birthday, in Heaven as well, just a few months back. I bet that was a celebration!!! And although we may think of this as Lexi's first birthday without us, my friend pointed out that it is her first birthday in Heaven. How great "perspective" is in helping us to see things differently. We have been preparing for this day- one of the few "hard" days that people who are grieving anticipate having when they lose a loved one. It has helped me to "prepare" and so I thought "what could we do to celebrate Lexi's life on her special day?" It wasn't "what could we do to remember Lexi" as we remember her every day! There isn't a day that goes by that we don't remember her. So, we planned something "simple" and wanted those that were especially dear to Lexi to be able to be a part of this special day. Turns out that I don't know how to do "simple" very well; the preparations have been the same as the previous six years of celebrating her birthday. But, the preparations have been special to me, allowing me to use my time, energy and thoughts to reflect on Lexi and how special she was to us. Today we will gather with friends and family at our home and remember Lexi's special day with a balloon release. Each person will write a message on a card and attach it to a balloon. We will then release them together- pink, yellow, and lavender balloons filling the air as we celebrate her life. Maybe a balloon will float/fall into someone's yard and they will read the attached card and Lexi will impact yet another life. Her legacy continues.

A quilt of Lexi's clothes

It's been almost nine months and I finally went through Lexi's clothes in her dresser, her closet and the bins of baby clothes that I had been saving in the garage. I wasn't in any rush to go through them but I also haven't been putting it off. Initially, I took the time that I needed so that I could be emotionally ready. But, lately, I really just needed a time that I could set aside and do it and so Saturday was the day. Truthfully, I thought it would only take me an hour or so to do it, so I was surprised when 4 1/2 hours later I was "pretty much" done.

Last summer, my mom offered to make a quilt using Lexi's clothes, which I thought was such a great idea. Some of the clothes were not really items that could be used on the quilt because of the material- like sweaters, or because of the item- like a simple, all-black pair of cotton pants that wouldn't look that great on a quilt. So, I made three piles: quilt, give to friends, or save for possible summer Solace girls.

I had been preparing for this day of going through her clothes for many months so I felt that I was emotionally prepared and ready. Overall, I feel like I did pretty well with the whole process. However, I was caught off guard with how I was affected by her most recently worn clothes. I thought that her baby clothes would be the most difficult for me to go through, but it was actually the clothes that she had worn most often and most recently that were the hardest for me to go through. I was fine if the clothes were going to be a part of the quilt because I knew that I would be seeing them often. But, some of the clothing that was not going to be a part of the quilt was difficult to know what to do with. For example, Lexi had a simple pair of Gap cotton, white pants that she wore for almost three years- nothing special and I probably didn't pay more than $10 for them. At first, they were long pants and then they became capri pants as we just rolled them up. They were super comfy so she wore them all the time- definitely got our money's worth out of those pants. These pants weren't great for the quilt because they are just white cotton, but I just couldn't part with them. There were a few other pieces of clothing like that too. So, I decided that I would just put them in a bin out in the garage and then in a few years I would look at them again to see what I wanted to do with them then.

My mom mentioned that she could possibly make three quilts if there were enough clothes- one quilt for me, one for Chelsea and one for my mom to keep. I'm not sure how long one (or more) quilts will take to make but as soon as the first one is done, I'll post a picture. The quilt should be another great reminder of our sweet Lexi.

Our second donation from the memorial fund

There are many causes out there that are worthy of people's donations. We continue to look for ways that we can connect a donation from the memorial fund with Lexi's life. And we want God's love to be known in the process.

Our friends, Mo and Rebekah Padilla, adopted two children from Ghana in 2009. I remember that Lexi had just gotten out of a two-and-a-half week stay in the hospital when we got to celebrate the arrival and adoption of the Padilla's two children from Ghana. Recently, we heard from Rebekah about a project that was taking place to bring a water line to the orphanage and village in Ghana that they adopted from. The current water well they have now is very contaminated and is infecting children with deadly parasites.

We were honored to be able to donate money from Lexi's memorial fund to the water project. It was a neat way for Lexi to be connected to their two children from Ghana and for us to help children become healthy. Lexi spent much of her time battling seizures, visiting doctors, taking medications, staying in hospitals, etc. But, we are so thankful that we could do our best to keep her as healthy as possible and provide her with lots of care. We know how important it is for children to be healthy and we are excited to see how Lexi's life can continue to help other children be healthy.

Our first donation from Lexi’s memorial fund

For more than eight months, there has been money sitting in an account waiting to be used to help others. We have know this but have not been able to give much mental thought to it as we have spent so much mental and emotional energy on grieving these past few months. Just recently it seems our ears and hearts have been more open and aware to opportunities that may present themselves to us as to how we can use some of that money to help others in memory of Lexi.

Last year, we had the joy of being involved with an organization called Solace for the Children, where we hosted an Afghani girl in our home for six weeks while she was here for much needed medical care. She was only here 10 days when Lexi passed away, but we continued to host her in our home for the remainder of her time here. Our hearts will always be closely linked to the Solace for the Children organization.

Last week, we heard of a young Afghani girl who had previously come to the US one summer through Solace for the Children. Her medical needs were addressed and she was sent back with medicine to help with her newly diagnosed condition. However, we heard through Solace that her medicine was running out and that they were looking for people to donate money for another year's supply of medicine. We were excited to be able to give money from Lexi's memorial fund towards that year's supply of medicine. It was so great for us to give money in her honor and to see how Lexi continued to be connected to the Solace for the Children organization.

Our first donation from the memorial fund brought us great joy and we are excited for future opportunities that will present themselves to us so that we can continue to give in memory and honor of Lexi.

The beginning of Lexi's blog- why a blog now?

Our daughter, Lexi Noelle Valladares, was only with us a short time but she made a big impact on our lives and many others. It was always our intention to create a blog where people could come to read about Lexi's life. But, with the extended care that Lexi required, that left us with little time to update a blog. Thankfully, via email, Facebook and word of mouth, our friends and family were able to be kept up-to-date on Lexi's life.

Although she is no longer physically with us, she remains in our hearts daily and we, as her family, are left to carry on her legacy. It is our priviledge and joy to share about her life, the impact she had, and how she continues to be a light in this world. We will continue to be her voice and to tell the world of her purpose here on earth.

So, what was her purpose and what is her legacy? Those are important questions for all of us to ask ourselves. Years ago, we wrestled with what her purpose was. In a world that so easily defines purpose in terms of productivity, what you can physically do, it was something we took to God. What would the life of a little girl look like who could not walk, talk, eat, play, etc? But, in those times of turning to God we knew that her purpose here was to bring God glory. And we looked for opportunities to allow her to do that, and to be her voice in doing so, if need be. And now in carrying on her legacy, we purposefully look for ways that we can share her life with others and bring glory to her Creator who loved her beyond what we can imagine.

In July 2010, we were honored to start a memorial fund in her memory. The grieving process has been intense these past 8 months and so we are just now starting to find ways to give monetarily from that fund to help others in Lexi's memory.

So, maybe you have stumbled upon this blog via word of mouth, or maybe you are a close friend or family member who has come here to be reminded of Lexi's life and her impact in this world. We hope this blog will be a way for us to share ways God is continuing to use Lexi and her life to bring Him glory, to share insight into our grieving process, to potentially minister to and encourage others, and to share how we have been able to help others through donations from Lexi's memorial fund.